Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
pop tarts are not kleenex
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
