omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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