Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
