theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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