I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
