FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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