Can Purell be used as lube?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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