guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
