yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
