Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
