I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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