I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
