How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
