he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
