just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
