Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
