so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
