I must be too annoying 4 u.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
