What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
