You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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