Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
