Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
