8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
