Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
