yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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