I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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