I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My ATM looks so different sober.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
