So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
