I am in a vortex of obligation.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
