Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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