moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
