she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
