she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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