you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He kissed a someone with a penis
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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