Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
