Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
