guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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