Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
