So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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