I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
