is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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