I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
