When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
And then he peed in my hair
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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