It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
