i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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