Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
