it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
