if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
how does that bad decision feel?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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