I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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