When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
